Most of us spend Mother’s Day with our children, but for Kristin Burns, who lost her son to CHD, the day means something different. Read her story below.
I remember the day that I become a part of the CHD community. It was August 18th, 2016. Since that day, my life has been changed forever. I have learned so much, and I have grown exponentially as a person. My first and only son, Brycen Alvin Burns, was diagnosed with CHD at 20 weeks gestation. From that day forward, he fought for his life every single day. Watching Brycen fight for his life, taught me so much as a mom and as a person. He taught me how to be strong, and how to fight with all my heart and never give up. He taught me how to be an advocate for him, and how to always trust a mother’s intuition, as its almost always right. He also taught me how to love with every ounce of my being, with the knowledge that life and death hang in the balance, and that every day we got with him was a gift. After 229 days here on Earth, Brycen was taken from us. He passed away as a result of complications from his heart defects and other medical issues. On July 29, 2017 I became a childless Mother, and the Mother of a Heart Angel. Being a childless Mother is not how I thought I would be spending Mother’s Day this year.
My first Mother’s Day was spent in the ICU at Children’s Hospital and Medical Center in Omaha. Brycen was recovering from 1 open-heart surgery, and 3 additional open chest surgeries, including a very risky tracheal reconstruction. Amid the humming of medication pumps, and the beeping monitors, we still celebrated the holiday. Brycen was battling withdrawals, but I was just so thankful that he was still here with us, that I didn’t care about the struggles. I remember trying to make the staple “First Mother’s Day” crafts with Brycen and my husband Jeremy. I remember laughing at how imperfectly perfect they were, and I remember thinking that there was always next year to make better ones. Little did I know what the future was going to have in store.
This year, everything is different. I no longer have the tangible and physical evidence that shows I am a mom. I will always be Brycen’s Mom, but now that he is no longer with me, it is hard to hold onto that identity. In fact, sometimes I like to go back to the hospital, because that is the only place that I am still referred to as Brycen’s Mom. But most times, I don’t even feel like a Mom anymore, because I don’t get to do the things that mom’s get to do. I don’t get to change diapers. I don’t get to play with my child. I don’t get to tell him to stop climbing on everything. I don’t get to do anything that mom’s get to do. Instead, I get to visit my son’s grave. I get to talk to him and call out to him in my prayers. And I get to tell people his story about how hard he fought from the day he was conceived, up until the day he passed away. These are the things that I get to do as a childless Mother on Mother’s Day.
Once you lose a child, the holidays are tough. Mother’s Day will be another “first holiday” without Brycen, and I can only imagine how difficult it will be. Social Media will be flooded with family pictures, pictures of beautiful flowers and of handmade gifts from children to their Mothers. And people will be posting about how great their Mother’s Day was. But then, there are loss moms like me. On Mother’s Day, we don’t get to wake up to any of that. Instead, everyday we wake up, we wake up to the same living nightmare that our child is gone, and we get to relive that moment, over and over again. And just like every other day after loss, we will wake up, put on our “faces” and put one foot in front of the other. This is our new world; because our “normal” died the day we lost our child. We have become experts at carrying our grief with us, each and every day. We have become experts at hiding our grief behind love and joy and even behind pain and sadness. We have had to become experts at this, because grief never goes away. Grief is forever, and lifelong, just like our love for our child. Grief is always there, but we just learn to push through it.
I personally have mixed emotions about Mother’s Day now. I find myself wondering if I should even be celebrated, as I no longer have my son with me physically. But then again, I am Brycen’s mom, and no one can ever take that away from me. I guess my wishes for Mother’s Day are simple, and they include all of the loss moms/bereaved moms in the world. Please don’t forget about us. Please don’t avoid us, and please don’t avoid saying our child’s name. They existed and will always be our children. But please don’t be offended if we distance ourselves for a little while to collect our emotions. Please be patient with us, and know that we are hurting. While we watch you play with and hug your children, our arms and our hearts are aching to hold our children just one more time. On Mother’s Day we will celebrate your joy with you, but we will be experiencing pain. A pain that is unimaginable. So please don’t forget about us.
To all of the mom’s that have lost a child, or multiple children, this is for you. This is to show you that you are not alone on Mother’s day, or any other day. We are all in this together. We are all members of this club that we never asked to be in. Just know that it’s okay, to not be okay. It’s okay to distance yourself, and to take time for you. Your loved ones will understand. Grieving mothers are some of the strongest women in the world, and so we celebrate you on Mother’s Day, and every other day! From one loss mom to another, I see you and I understand. Happy Mother’s Day!
Kristin Burns is a 30 year old Heart Angel Mom, from Council Bluffs, IA. She is a Physical Therapist Assistant and has been married to her husband Jeremy for 3 years. Their son Brycen was diagnosed in utero with several medical issues including Congenital Heart Defects. Due to Brycen missing his left lung, seeing his entire heart anatomy was difficult due to positioning, and they were given several different diagnoses. After his first open-heart surgery his full diagnosis was VSD, ASD, Overriding Aorta, Hypertrophic Right Ventricle, Double Aortic Arch and a Vascular Ring. Since becoming a part of the CHD community back in August of 2016, at Brycen’s first diagnosis, Kristin and her husband Jeremy have been strong advocates for CHD research and raising CHD awareness. With the help of another Heart Angel Mom, Kristin is helping start a non-profit organization to help other CHD families at the local Children’s Hospital and Medical Center in Omaha. They are also helping start support groups for inpatient families and also for bereaved families.